Sometimes, some days are hard. I believe for each of us. There is not one person on this globe who can stay always happy. Maybe, the Dalai Lama. Or some monks and nouns regardless of religious believes… but you know, I think, even them have some hard days sometimes. Do you remember that old Indian fable, where a young couple wanted to meet the old rishi of the mountains?
The young couple set off and looked for the sage in the mountains to give them his blessing as they deeply loved each other. When they found the rishi, they asked him kindly and gave him their offerings: would he please bless them and tell them something they could crave on their wedding ring? The rishi stayed quiet for so long they finally believed he wouldn’t answer them. Then, when he spoke, all he said was: It’ll pass away.
Now that’s obviously not something you want to hear about or acknowledge its possibility for even one tiny moment, when you’re deeply in love with someone, and you’re just about to start your new life together. I imagine. I’ve not been there yet (like to get married), but I am quite sure of this. And yet this is the truth: emotions come and go, like clouds on the sky.
And this little thing, “it will pass away” gives me so much trust and strength when I have one of those hard days, to restrain from giving in to sorrow or self pity, etc (of course I do give in too sometimes..!). It will pass away. Doesn’t matter what it is, it will pass away. The observer stays. And I find it quite true, actually it forces me to stay present. But it’s so incredibly hard to stay present when you suffer… when you’re too weak to reach that sweet little spot in your heart where you can let go and settle down.
There are different spiritual teachers who say we definitely should learn to stay present to our own groundlessness, when we can’t find the ground under our feet feeling completely lost and torn apart, without trying to fill the gap immediately. Pema Chödron, Brené Brown came to my mind here.
What they say, basically, is that it is OK to fall apart. That it’s OK to feel bad, to be vulnerable, to feel hurt and useless, and that at one point all of us has this very same struggle, doesn’t matter man or woman, child or elderly we are. I mean, not all the time, but when it happens, let it happen.. and what we usually costumed to do is of course to avoid to let it happen, because of our ego, because we want to look strong and accomplished and successful and wealthy…
Which leads to one certain point, so well told by Brene Brown in her TED talk I quote down here: dare to be vulnerable, dare to put your feet on that uncomfortable and steady ground where no one knows what’s going to happen, only one thing is sure: you’re going to be a different person by the end. And I totally agree, this is one of the most dreadful things to face with. I have done it so many times… and it still scares the shit out of me, even with knowing all what I know, even having written a book about similar things! This may never change. What has changed over the years is my level of consciousness, and how I stopped hurting myself. How I started to feel compassionate for those parts inside which have the need to feel sooo down and so troubled, lonely, small… It’s like offering myself the most needed hug no one can give me there where these whatever things happen(ed), as usually their origin is way back in time.
I also wrote about this in my book: I visited a psychologist for about 2-3 years. It was very helpful, and I think because finally I could tell my story to a third person, who had totally different perspective and was not at all involved on any levels. Only this can already help a lot! So what happened at one session was that she had told me, there were gaps or certain shortages which would never disappear, didn’t matter how long and how much energy we had spent to try to cover them. It’s like something given in the system… we need to learn to live with them. I am not so sure about this today. But I am sure that if there is a shortage, it’s like a hole where our life force energies stream away, and we unconsciously will do everything to cover it. To hide it. As we are afraid to show how broken we are (of course, not necessarily everyone!). It’s like picking up a mask and never putting it down.. until it breaks off and then it feels so naked, it doesn’t matter what can we find to cover ourselves up again.
Since a while I started to notice, how even these gaps/shortages can heal when I accept them and give my attention and love to my broken parts. But today, and yesterday, they made me cry. Maybe this is how I finally enter my ultimate sweet spot, letting all these old guys and stories and happenings wear off from my life and my personality, claiming back my full stability, confidence and strength, mending the deepest and darkest spots of the self. I wish it was over quickly, I always want to run away, and then I remember Pema’s advice from her book, that we shouldn’t. That I should stop, and take look… and allow tenderness flowing around from that pausing. These are my exercises now.
Well what I hope, and why I share all this, that if you have your own “I feel shit” time and want to punish yourself for that, making it even harder, please, don’t do that. First of all, you are NOT alone. Secondly, be gentle with yourself, be kind, try to find that sweet spot where you can support yourself where you are, right there, accepting whatever is going on. I doesn’t really matter, it’s all OK. You’re beautiful, wonderful, and lovable, right there. This is also why I love so much to work with craniosacral theapy and biodynamics: it’s always the patient and the patient’s system’s needs which determine what is going to happen, all I do is to offer support, where it is needed the most. And these sessions have thought me that even in different situations this is the best we can do for each other, and also for ourselves: as our Self, our System (body-mind-spirit) can heal itself amazingly, we just need to let it happen by starting to support ourselves right there where we are.
If you are in doubt, or you haven’t seen yet Brene’s TED talk, you can see it here below:
And from Pema’s book – When Things Fall Apart – Heart Advice For Difficult Times – these are the quotes I’d like to share with you (and myself) to feel better today:
“Because of mindfulness, we see our desires and our aggression, our jealousy and our ignorance. We don’t act on them; we just see them. Without mindfulness we don’t see them. (…) Mindfulness (…) is the ground (…), it’s the practice of not immediately filling up space just because there’s a gap.”
“When we protect ourselves so we won’t feel pain, that protection becomes like armor, like armor that imprisons the softness of the heart.”
“Most of us do not take these situations as teachings. We automatically hate them. We run like crazy. We use all kinds of ways to escape — all addictions stem from this moment when we meet our edge and we just can’t stand it. We feel we have to soften it, pad it with something, and we become addicted to whatever it is that seems to ease the pain.”
Sending love to all my fellow warriors out there! And a hug.